Foam
by Jenna-Weiz
Summary: Parody/Crack-fic. Written purely for entertainment value and no insult intended to characters, movies, shows, events, fiction, authors, so on and so forth. "It was like talking to a piece of foam. A piece of floating pink and polka dotted foam."


AN: Sooooo...basically I was bored and boredom led to strange thoughts, which led to stranger ideas, which led to this vague notion of this vague concept that I eventually wrote to relieve my boredom. Moral of the story? Boredom is evil.

"He's hot."

Lisett snorted. Hot? Maybe. If you could get past the fact that, well, there wasn't much of the guy you could actually _see_. I mean seriously, he was covered from head to toe and wearing a mask. Or did they call that a cowel?

"No _seriously_, he's like, gorgeous." Vanessa licked her lips. "Like…_yum_."

Lisette flicked her eyes for another once-over. Nope….still couldn't see it. Or rather, couldn't really see anything. Literally.

"I wonder if there's some way I could meet him." Vanessa stared hard at the image in front of her. "Or if I could just, y'know, stare at him a little. In person. I'd settle for that." She sighed and ran her eyes up and down, like sizing up a piece of meat. Black meat. Very unappetizing black meat.

"Well, barring a life or death situation...I don't think it's too likely." Lisette paused a moment. "Unless of course you _wanted_ to get yourself in that kind of trouble." Vanessa immediately perked up and Lisette immediately hurried on. "But somehow I don't think he'd really appreciate that." Vanessa deflated. Honestly, just _what_ did Vanessa like in the guy? She didn't know him. Hadn't ever met him. Hadn't ever really seen him. Had really only rumors to go by. Was there something Lisette was just missing?

"You just don't see his potential." Vanessa let a out a longing, heaving, and dramatically depressed sigh. "But I do and trust me…it could be like…_wow_." Lisette rolled her eyes. "Like, really really _wow._"

"You don't even know what he actually looks like" Lisette felt the urge to point out. Again. "For all you know he could be this one eyed hunchback with false teeth and bad breath." She paused to think for a minute. "And bald. He could be bald." There was nothing worse than being bald. Unconsciously she ran a hand through her own hair.

Vanesse shook her head vehemently. "Nope. Don't believe it." She waved her hand a little. "Just look at that physique! He couldn't fit into that get up if he was ugly." Vanessa ended up staring again. "I mean, just look at those _pecs_." That ended somewhat in a groan. Or maybe a moan. Lisette didn't really want to think about it.

"It's a get up. GET UP. Like, it could just be padding. A whooole lot of padding." It made perfect sense to her. "And there's steroids. He could be on steroids and that's why no one can stop him. Lots of steroids."

"Blasphemy."

Lisette dropped her head into her hands. There was just no use in talking to her. Or arguing with her. It was like talking…well, not to a brick wall because maybe that was giving to much credit. It was like talking to a piece of foam. A piece of floating pink and polka dotted foam. A piece of foam unfortunately attached to hormones and a libido.

"Need I remind you he calls himself after a creature. _Creature._ That's not normal Vanessa." But Vanessa was ignoring her. Probably fantasizing again. Which was another thing Lisette didn't really want to dwell on. Maybe if she talked some more it would get through this time. Unlikely but it would keep her from dwelling on Vanessa's possible fantasies which were slightly more disturbing each time she thought about them. "Let's see shall we? He hides his identity, is obsessed with night time, has some random vendetta with every criminal in town regardless of the fact there's a perfectly useful police force he could sign up or work with legally, named himself after an animal, refers to himself generally in the third person – he freaking _named_ himself…you know, they invented a word for guys like him." Nope. Vanessa was just not listening.

"Yeah. _Hot_." Okay, maybe listening with half an ear.

"How about narcissistic?" Vanessa let out another dramatically ridiculous sigh.

"No…definitely hot. Or smoking. Or just drop dead, seriously workably _gorgeous_." Lisette didn't know why she even tried.

"He named himself after a bat. A BAT. You know those things that can't see and that I'm pretty sure are related to some type of insect with wings? He gave himself wings. Any kind of guy who gives themselves wings and names themselves after a creature that likes to eat bugs and poops randomly while flying overhead, well, there's just something _wrong_ with hm." Lisette shuddered.

"But he makes one _hot_ bat." Vanessa stared some more.

"It's not even a real picture of him Vanessa!" Lisette tried one more time. "It's a drawing. On a wall. Of the symbol that hits the sky when the police kind of need help!"

"One _hot_ symbol." Lisette stared at Vanessa who continued to stare at the wall.

"Okay. I'm done." She had to go for a walk. Clear her head. Maybe bang it on a couple walls. Who knew, perhaps after that she'd finally see from Vanessa's point of view?

"Soooo _hot_." Lisette just threw her hands up. Really, just what had she done to deserve foam, _foam_ as a friend? Pink, polka dotted, foam. Seriously.


End file.
